Understanding Boys

What kinds of communication can we expect from boys?
Well, in general, boys are less able to put their feelings into words, especially on deep emotional issues. This is partly because of biology and partly a result of how we bring boys up in America. Some of the boys in the book are very articulate -- because we worked very hard to help them open up! It may be a long-term process before the boy can put things into words. In fact, part of action talk is honoring action as communication. When a boy is washing the car, getting the newspaper, or wanting to go for a run, he's talking to you in action terms. That doesn't mean you can't respond in your own words. You might say, "I wonder if that was a way of telling me how much you care about me" or "I love what you have done with that car" or even "I really love you." That will create the bond and some kids will say, "Oh, I love you too," and all of sudden something new starts to happen.

How can we recognize when a boy is depressed or in emotional trouble?
The Boy Code, that silence, does make it more difficult. Boys' communication of depression is through behavior; it's action or inaction oriented. Some of the earliest signs that a boy is depressed or suicidal are acts of bravado or risk taking -- using drugs or driving too fast -- that he didn't do before. Often we say they are bad boys or they are having a bad time or "boys will be boys" when, in fact, this is a way of telling us, "Look I'm really sad or helpless."